Nonsense

If this isn't nonsense, I might be very close to it.

Silence speaks louder than effusive speeches about the deepest feelings... At least, that is what I've believed for so many years. 

Don't ask me about reasons, please, but today, specially today, I run out of word to describe my state of mind or soul. I don't know why, but today I'm wearing a dangerous shade of indifference when trying to understand all the changes I've experienced since few weeks ago. I can't identify what is the most powerful feeling of all those I think I might be feeling now.

I have been wearing black for fives days in a row and I can't even think about all those bright colors that I used to show and feel so identified with. I can't find myself wearing shiny clothes or even some make-up. I can't give you an inner smile, but I'm making my better at showing you my teeth.

 I do not think this is pain or mourning. I'm sure it isn't because I'm a God's princess and He has been so good to me... I can't be unthankful, I can't. I know sis Lu won't get back to me and I have no problem with death. In fact, I know she's better, wherever she is. I know she got what she wanted and I'm very conscious about my duty here. I owe her some respect and love... I'm repeating it as many times as I feel some tears rolling down my cheeck tried to cry about her absence until I found myself changing of reasons, but not of verb.

I am not sure if I have nothing or everything. I am not sure if I want nothing or everything. I am not sure if I want justice after all, because all that harm they could get won't give me back my time and tears, my dreams or my energy, my previous thoughts.

I'm getting better in this process. What process? The long journey of changing regrets into resignation. Hey, no so fast! I'm talking about myself, do not think I've stopped on being selfish. I can't regret of anybody else than myself, as I wouldn't say I've receive nothing everybody around me and every situation around me.

I'm sure someday He's going to ask for me and take me home, but even though I know I'm privileged, I swear I'd like some people could have that journey too. I can't do more than help them to get a ticket, but that ticket must be gotten from themselves.

While I'm here, an alien in a friky world, I am free and joyful because my lord had loved me so, but I'm sad because of the high prize. Am I worth it? I must be, so if I'm not yet, I'll potencially be. He deserves better, a better me, a better heart of mine and definitely a better service from me.